A young woman drops off a shirt at the cleaners and on the way out the door, the lady at the counter says
"Come Again."
The blonde says
"No, it's toothpaste this time, you nosey bitch".
FORUM FUNNIES
Moderators: borsalinorug, CA, Squawk, JK, rsemmler
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Linguine69
- Posts: 73
- Joined: Thu May 17, 2007 9:50 am
- Location: Behind you
Re: FORUM FUNNIES
Linguine
I've got the SPIRIT ...... Do you?
I've got the SPIRIT ...... Do you?
Re: FORUM FUNNIES
Sabre and Fort Battle-Axe are shopping in their local Woolworths.
Sabre picks up a case of Cooper's Stout and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks The Living Horror.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans", says Sabre.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands Fort Battle-Axe, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on, Fort Battle-Axe picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks Sabre.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful" replies Fort Battle-Axe.
Sabre says "So does 24 cans of Coopers and it's half the price."
Suddenly, on the PA system: "Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down."
Sad but true !
Sabre picks up a case of Cooper's Stout and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks The Living Horror.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans", says Sabre.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands Fort Battle-Axe, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on, Fort Battle-Axe picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks Sabre.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful" replies Fort Battle-Axe.
Sabre says "So does 24 cans of Coopers and it's half the price."
Suddenly, on the PA system: "Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down."
Sad but true !
Norwood 2020
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Linguine69
- Posts: 73
- Joined: Thu May 17, 2007 9:50 am
- Location: Behind you
Re: FORUM FUNNIES
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round
shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!"
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!" "It's just as
well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the
clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon
fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care. "The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...
The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just **** with you. She's dead.
What'd you shoot?"
Linguine
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just
been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round
shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!"
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!" "It's just as
well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the
clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon
fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care. "The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...
The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just **** with you. She's dead.
What'd you shoot?"
Linguine
Linguine
I've got the SPIRIT ...... Do you?
I've got the SPIRIT ...... Do you?
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vert57
- Posts: 1646
- Joined: Tue Aug 03, 2004 3:14 pm
- Location: Home: 29kms south of the home of the mighty Redlegs.
- Contact:
Re: FORUM FUNNIES
Computer Gender
A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and
asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and:
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your money on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and:
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that had you waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and
asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and:
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your money on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and:
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that had you waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
TIME FOR ANOTHER REDLEGS PREMIERSHIP ( 31 IS NOT ENOUGH ! )
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Linguine69
- Posts: 73
- Joined: Thu May 17, 2007 9:50 am
- Location: Behind you
Re: FORUM FUNNIES
After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling. When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, tore open blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her Bra off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondles them, and kisses them passionately.
A side glance at her husband, he then put his hand up her skirt, ripped her G-String off, and fondled her wildly, while her husband Mark watched with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.
Jacqueline, flushed, tried to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a total daze.
The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'
Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'
A side glance at her husband, he then put his hand up her skirt, ripped her G-String off, and fondled her wildly, while her husband Mark watched with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.
Jacqueline, flushed, tried to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a total daze.
The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'
Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'
Linguine
I've got the SPIRIT ...... Do you?
I've got the SPIRIT ...... Do you?
Re: FORUM FUNNIES
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
Between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
Between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, Shit Happens!!!
Re: FORUM FUNNIES
We all know how lame Xmas bonbon jokes are, well maybe it was
just too much 'Xmas Spirit', but this one tickled me .....
Q: What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot ?
A: A walkie talkie !
just too much 'Xmas Spirit', but this one tickled me .....
Q: What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot ?
A: A walkie talkie !
Norwood 2020
Re: FORUM FUNNIES
THE FUNERAL PROCESSION
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed
a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss
and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed
a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss
and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
Norwood 2020
Re: FORUM FUNNIES
This one was sent to me by an old friend - a well known Adelaide Barrister:
John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours!. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.!
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours!. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.!
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Julia Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
--
Lived in Eagles territory, went to school in PAFC district, openly barracked for Norwood.
That's "Fortis in Procella."
Lived in Eagles territory, went to school in PAFC district, openly barracked for Norwood.
That's "Fortis in Procella."
Re: FORUM FUNNIES
Norwood 2020
Re: FORUM FUNNIES
I note that footy time on TV will be serverely disrupted this weekend due to the 'festival of the unelected sponges' 
Re: FORUM FUNNIES
wildcat wrote:I note that footy time on TV will be serverely disrupted this weekend due to the 'festival of the unelected sponges'
I've always felt that unelected German descended Prince of Wales and Duke of Cornwall should hand over the Duchy to someone whose paternal line comes from Cornwall - like moi !
I'd let him keep Wales as part of the deal..
--
Lived in Eagles territory, went to school in PAFC district, openly barracked for Norwood.
That's "Fortis in Procella."
Lived in Eagles territory, went to school in PAFC district, openly barracked for Norwood.
That's "Fortis in Procella."
Re: FORUM FUNNIES
I hear Elton John is performing at Osama Bin Laden's funeral. He will be singing "Sandals in the bin".
Baldy
The more hair I lose the more head I get.
The more hair I lose the more head I get.
Re: FORUM FUNNIES
I got that one, earlier today, by SMS from a bikie I know, along with a few other less subtle ones.Baldy wrote:I hear Elton John is performing at Osama Bin Laden's funeral. He will be singing "Sandals in the bin".
--
Lived in Eagles territory, went to school in PAFC district, openly barracked for Norwood.
That's "Fortis in Procella."
Lived in Eagles territory, went to school in PAFC district, openly barracked for Norwood.
That's "Fortis in Procella."
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